We all do it. We get together with someone because we like them, and then somehow, consciously or unconsciously, we decide to change them. We do it out of love. Right? And what happens? They resist. Our efforts to make them better are rejected.
Soon, the Gottman Institute's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse show up: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The cherished relationship; marital, dating, friendship, work; is on the path to destruction.
Here's the thing. It's all backwards from the very beginning. We are attracted to them in the first place because we like something about them. Whether it's physical, emotional, intellectual, etc.; there is something about them that attracted us to them in the first place. We grow closer over time. Bonds are formed.
And then, we begin to see the issues. It starts with the little irritations. She doesn't roll up the tube of toothpaste as it gets used. He doesn't put the toilet paper on the holder over the top as the manufacturers designed. These things are irritating. So we attempt to discuss them in the irritated moment. Criticism.
And then, things get worse. They do roll up the tube of toothpaste, but they leave the cap off sitting there on the countertop right next to the tube with a smeared glob of toothpaste on the edge of the sink. Or, they don't bother changing out the empty roll of toilet paper at all even though it's right there within reach. Contempt.
"Hey! You left the toothpaste out!"
"Well, if you would get up earlier in the morning and get ready faster, I would have more time to put the toothpaste away." Defensiveness.
"What is wrong with you? Did your hands fall off that you are incapable of grabbing a new roll of toilet paper and putting on the holder?"
Walks off and slams the door. Stonewalling.
If we go all the way to the beginning, we can see where this pattern can be stopped.
Instead of changing our partner/lover/friend, what about fixing ourselves?
When we get irritated or angry, we can stop and ask ourselves some questions. How important is this? Is this something I can live with? Am I expecting this human being to be perfect in an imperfect world? Am I doing something to encourage this behavior in my partner/friend/love? If this is important enough to discuss, how can I best approach the topic? Is this the proper time/setting? How is my tone of voice? Am I calm and logical enough for this conversation to be calm and logical, and maybe even loving?
These questions require intention, being in the moment. We can take the time to analyze the situation first within, and then without.
Sometimes, we are not being too sensitive. Sometimes we have justifiable cause to be in a negative emotion. Sometimes, things do need to be addressed. Negative emotions do have an important role. I don't even like calling them negative emotions. Anger, irritation, uncomfortableness, are all important tools pointing out issues. We should not be afraid to bring things up when they happen.
At the same time, we can be over sensitive. We can be acting out from something else going on in our lives. We do tend to take things out on our loved ones that have nothing to do with them such as work related issues. Or, we can be taking out unhealed childhood traumas on our most beloved today. Sometimes, we are the problem or at least contributing factors.
Therefore, it is good to take a look inside and see if something needs to be changed. Conscious personal change is a choice we all can make that is actually easier; yes, easier; than changing the other person. It doesn't feel easier because of shame or guilt residing in our own skin.
How is it easier? Because when we choose; yes, it's a choice; to change the other person, they can choose to utilize one or more of the Gottman Four Horsemen. We can't control the other person. It's their choice.
If we look back at our own choices, we can choose to NOT utilize one or more of the Gottman Four Horsemen on ourselves or on our lovers/friends/ partners. We can look within, search for the areas where we can grow ourselves, and choose to not treat ourselves with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. The better we treat ourselves in the area of intention in our relationships, the better our relationships can be. When they see us grow, they will respond. Not always positively, especially if they find the change a bit shocking; but, they will respond.
Do we use the Gottman Four Horsemen on ourselves? Yes. How often have we looked in the mirror and not liked what we saw? How often have we told ourselves we are dumb, ugly, fat, or worthless? Way too often. The capacity to take that self shame out on our partners, probably unconsciously, is there. If we heal that within, it won't come out.
We can't control if our parter/lover/friend utilizes one of the horsemen on us, but we can control if we do on them or ourselves. That is where our control is. And, we can use that same self control, intention, when responding to our parters/lovers/friends use of the horsemen.
Intentionality. Use it.
Thanks for reading!
Sarah
Humor In Chaos
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